Dating apps have taken the world by storm, and the accessibility to finding your partner seems limitless. However, people can find themselves on these apps for years with no success, left with a feeling of frustration and insecurity. Dating apps can hold up a clear mirror to ourselves of who we are and what we're willing to put up with. The question is: are we looking closely enough at our own intentions and those around us?
This article is going to discuss: Why we're all doing dating apps wrong, & how we can fix it
The influence of social media
Once upon a time, social media was a fairly safe space. Remember when you could post whatever you wanted - your cat having a nap, your Dad eating an ice cream while it melted down his chin, yourself smiling, a picture of a sunset? Ah, nostalgia. There was a time, not even that long ago, where we presented ourselves on social media in a natural and mostly real fashion. Sure, it was still skewed towards showing only the happiest of moments which wasn't necessarily authentic, but it was a lot realer than the shit you see on Instagram nowadays.
This presentation of ourselves has slowly but surely turned into a false embodiment of our lives - so much so that we can even use the word misrepresentation. This first happened through social media - a place which was meant to help us be authentic and connect with each other. But because we are creatures of habit, meaning that we will follow the crowd of influence that we see surrounding us, we quickly became aware that there were a new set of rules surrounding platforms such as Instagram. Almost like Eve and Adam in the garden of Eden, we became aware of our nakedness and vulnerability, and we falsely determined these candid views of our lives as points of weakness.
For women, we started to cover up our acne, freckles, imperfect bodies - maybe someone called us fat. Maybe our friends made fun of what we were posting in high school. We'd buy push up bras to make it look like our boobs weren't small, we'd pluck our eyebrows to the point where there was nothing left, add contour so that we looked thinner, more appealing to the eye. We saw that this worked, and we got more likes, more comments, we felt that rushing sense of validation that we were beautiful each time we posted a selfie.
For men, this happened in similar ways. You started going to the gym more, flexing those muscles in the mirror. And what's the point in going if you're not going to post it anywhere? Or perhaps you show off your car, that watch you bought, flexing in a different fashion. Posing with your mates, drink in hand, keen to show everyone how popular you are.
Something that we need to realise is that social media and dating apps have essentially become the same thing. The pictures that you will often see on someone's Instagram profile do not necessarily show the real them, but rather a carefully crafted image of themselves. You see them on holiday because they want you to think they're having the best time. But of course you didn't see that moment that they got in a huge row with their boyfriend or friend, and spent the majority of the week crying and depressed. You see them eating out, wearing new clothes in each picture. But you didn't see how they stared at themselves in the mirror beforehand, frustrated that they couldn't fit into the skirt that they bought. You seem them smiling in front of the mirror, angling the camera so that you can't see the 3 month long depression room they've been living in, mould covering plates littered on their desk.
The point is: people can portray themselves to be whatever they want. Because of this, social media and dating apps have become a dangerously dishonest space. The same as Instagram, you don't want to portray yourself to be something that isn't attractive, so you pick and choose the best parts of yourself.
The trap of too much choice
Apps like TikTok have made us impatient creatures. Have you ever watched someone scroll through TikTok? It's insane really how long someone can spend doom scrolling, and how many videos they go past. Instant gratification is something that has been embedded within us because we are surrounded by so much choice - too much choice. Our behaviours on these platforms have essentially been translated to our dating apps, and we now find ourselves in the same conundrum, but these apps hurt so much more.
Let's use Hinge as an example. They advertise it to be "designed to be deleted", but is it?
To my point about doom scrolling, Hinge is a place that traps you into doing the same. You look over someone's profile, and instantly have the answers you need to determine who they are, what they value, and what they bring to the table. You often base your decision off of these things, but also vanity - what they look like, what they wear, how they present their appearance.
But the problem is, that everyone can make themselves be whatever they want, and in doing this, they hide the things that are likely important in your decision of settling down with a partner. As well as this, there's so much option out there that people don't feel they need to commit.
Something that you come to learn is that people are dishonest. They're dishonest about their intentions, what they're interested in, their career. Because of this, you build up an image of them that is likely much further from who they actually are.
From my experience, men often create a profile that shows: their friends, their luxury lifestyle, their dog. They do this because they have learnt that these are things that girls are likely going to be interested in, and they are not necessarily wrong. Every girl wants a guy with friends, with money, with an aspect of family or an animal that they love. On paper, these are green flags. But then, when you meet them for a few dates, you start to realise that they forgot to mention they're in some serious debt, or going to rehab (true story), they spent 2 years in prison, their a Mummy's boy, they're insecure and lost.
You come to a point where you realise they are not what they painted themselves to be - and maybe they're thinking the exact same thing about you.
Now you're back to square one. You scroll through the dating app again, and without realising it you fall into the same trap - again, and again, and again. Then you fall so low that you get fed up with it, and uninstall it.
As a person using a dating app, eventually you can come to the conclusion that every profile is fundamentally the same. When I spent time on this app, I managed to bucket men into categories very easily, which became a trap. I was looking for someone different, but I could never find them. But why? Because specific types of people use dating apps, likely the same types of people. It really is a game of luck, and you're going to have to play for a long time before you find that 1 in a million. Likely, you won't.
The Withdrawals
Dating App withdrawals are a very real thing that no one really talks about. You're so used to getting those matches and likes flooding in, fuelling your ego, making you feel that constant validation you're seeking. When that stops, you feel like you're missing out on something, you're reminded how alone you are, and you end up reinstalling the damn thing, re-entering the cycle.
Is the algorithm working in your favour?
In short: no, it's not. If you've spent a long period of time matching with the same type of guy, the algorithm is going to search to find people who are essentially similar or the same. Like any algorithm, you are training it, setting it up to fail.
On Hinge, it shows a priority match and tells you that it thinks you are well matched with that person. But ask yourself, how is a piece of technology determining that this person is well suited to me? It doesn't know you. It can't see what's in your brain, the trauma you face, the values you contain within you. Why the fuck are you listening to it?
Things you need to ask yourself
Why am I on this app?
Are you looking for a long term partner, a hook-up, are you being honest about that in your profile?
What do I not want?
If you're religious, is it vital that the person you're seeking for has the same values? If you work in finance, do you want someone who will understand the pressures of your job? If you care about family to a high degree, do you want your partner to have the same values?
Am I just searching for myself?
Are you looking for someone where you have everything in common - if you enjoy skiing, do you need them to also enjoy that? If you love books, do you search for someone who also loves books?
How am I presenting myself?
Is my app reflective of my real life, and am I attracting someone who doesn't align with who I really am?
Looking past the surface
Dating apps are surface level. Like an Instagram profile, it's not what you see is what you get. You need to be realistic, rather than believing everything that you see and taking it as truth.
You need to remember that people can make themselves be whatever they like, and the profile that you create is going to attract a certain type of person. If you kit out your profile with holidays, friends, and everything that is good that you want to show off with, you're going to attract potentially some vain people who do not want to delve deeper than the surface, and who are going to expect you to be someone that you are not. No one goes on Holidays all the time, or sees their friends every weekend. If you do, then fair enough, but likely this is not a normal perception of your life.
The key is to keep it as real as possible. Show them some of the things that are important to you, not just a stack of selfies and thirst traps which will attract the wrong person. If you love reading, show off your book collection. Show them your favourite night in, cooking that red wine pasta that you love. Show them something that made you laugh, potentially a meme, and maybe you have a similar sense of humour.
The volume of likes is not what matters, it's the quality. I'd rather have 5 likes in the course of a month than 100 that are absolutely wrong for me, and not what I am looking for.
Don't get attached to it
Going back to the withdrawals, this is a real thing. Do not view dating as something you can get instant gratification with like other social media apps. It's not. If you rush looking for a partner and go on 20 dates within the space of a month, it's likely you're going to feel bummed out and insecure when you don't find what you are looking for.
If you're selective & you're not glued to the app, then you're going to have much more success than the average person, because you're not dependent on finding someone.
The key is to keep enjoying your life, and not waiting for that match to buzz on your phone. If you treat it as a small part of your life and don't use it often, then you're going to have less disappointments and expectations.
I know people who have been on dating apps for years, but because they haven't thought deeply about it, their success rate is low, and the people they do find are not aligned with who they are looking for. Don't fall into the same trap!
Desperation
Like any form of dating, don't be desperate. This will bleed into the dates, and you'll end up just going for anyone and feeling that crushing sense of disappointment when things don't work out.
My advice to you would be to think deeper about why you're so keen to find someone. Likely it comes from a pressure of finding a mate from external forces, or perhaps you need to delve internally and understand your own need for validation from someone else.
Often, some people actually aren't ready to date. If you're desperate to find someone, I would suggest you do the internal work first before you look at adding someone into your life, because those feelings of insecurity are only going to bleed into that potential relationship, and you'll find yourself back at square one.
Commentaires